Admitting you have imposter syndrome doesn’t mean you aren’t an imposter

The agonies of a musical chameleon.

So I started the symphony. I was a bit worried that it would seem poncey and pretentious to call it a symphony in this day and age. I even ran a poll on Twitter/X:

“Far too poncey for words”: (3%). “Not too poncey - go for it”: (97%).

But, as I say in my new little Youtube video series DIARY OF A SYMPHONY (Episode Two, short 3 minute version is down below), I did think long and hard about this. One day I’ll write it, I’ve always thought. But at my age, “one day” is NOW.

I’ve already said in my last substack that a lot of people will see it as “only written by a (fucking) Womble”, and I was only half-joking. Some people will think that. Probably most people. When I conducted The Planets with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, and it came out on GUILD Records, the reviews were quite good, but most of them started out with some quip about my Womble origins. Yet, I wonder if they’d pick the Womble-conducted version out in a blind-tasting session with other versions? I’m guessing not. Am I kidding myself`?

I was discussing my “pre-symphony nerves” with my friend, the eminent critic, classical music expert and composer Robert Matthew-Walker. He told me not to be so bloody silly. Just write what I want, don’t worry about the critics. I spoke to my musician son Luke. He said “Dad, just write like you normally do”. What’s normal? Bright Eyes? The Wombles? Schizophonia? The Watership Down Suites? Well I think he meant the Dreamstone Overtures actually.

I’d be a fool to try to out-Boulez Boulez

Pierre Boulez and Orinoco at BBCSO recording of Gurre-Lieder

The reason it’s a bit intimidating is because modern classical music has gone in directions that are perfectly artistically laudable and valid – but not always to my taste. Some bores me shitless. (But so does a lot of pop and jazz). I’ve never pandered to a particular decade in my pop/rock (etc) output, so why write for “today’s critics” now? They don’t really know who I am anyway. I do believe a lot of composers changed the language a bit a few years ago so as to be able to write something original rather than try to create originality within a tonality that they thought was exhausted. (It wasn’t). No names. But I’m safe in predicting that I’d be a fool to try to out-Boulez Boulez. I did jump out on him in my Womble costume once, when he was conducting the BBC SO in Shoenberg’s Gurre-Lieder. He was a lovely guy – took it very well, and we all had a laugh, but he’s him and I’m me.

I think sometimes it might be a lack of imposter syndrome that gets me through life. Who the hell do I think I am?

Style and motivation

I was heartened when my pal Robert Mathew-Walker told me how William Walton fretted and worried before commencing his first symphony. “And that turned out great!” said Bob! Well, yes. Indeed it IS an important step. Am I feigning bashfulness or is it real? What is life? How many inches in a nautical mile?

Anyway, so I gingerly start the first movement (working from bar one, movement one, and fully scoring as I go) . Is it too tonal? Is it too modern? Really? I’m asking that? WTF kind of composer wonders about that? One who wants to conform to what modern classical types will like! But “modern” classical folks also like Bartok and Stravinsky, and I’ve been stylistically influenced by them all my life. (See Tarot Suite Schizophonia, Six Days In Berlin, Zero Zero etc) And yet those guys are now “old school”. Modern classical ears also appreciate Haydn and Schubert and Prokofiev. So fuck it. I’ll write it for me, and maybe for you, if you like it. I’m not supposed to be competing with Adès and Ligeti and Richter. Am I?

And is it a competition anyway?

A few favourite classical pieces: Bartok: Concerto for Orchestra, Stravinsky Petroushka, Delius: Brigg Fair. Holst: The Planets, Schubert: Ninth Symphony.

A short 3 min grab from episode 2 of DIARY OF A SYMPHONY: